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I recently read this post in a neural retraining group I am in that I deeply resonated with.

“I’ve been working a lot on relieving stress and trauma. I no longer get stressed (at all), I no longer get angry, no anxiety, etc. It’s all gone. I think my limbic system is calmed, HOWEVER now I just feel, well, empty (or maybe TOO calm?). I was hoping I’d feel happier. I still have no joy. I had 3 or so days of total bliss and gratitude, not sure what happened, but I would love to get that feeling back. Was this just a honeymoon period of gratitude? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you”

I knew this state very well. A year or so into my retraining, I felt exactly the same. I had gone from deep suffering to absolute bliss, deep contentment and a feeling of connection to everything around me. Practices of compassion, forgiveness and gratitude came naturally, nothing I had to learn but completely something that developed  in this new state. I smiled and laughed constantly, and meant it. I became the observer of myself and situations around me, and often had a dialogue with the inner child who I remember “feeling” inside.   I would sit at the park just feeling so much gratitude for being alive and for all the beauty around me, under a tree staring out at a lake in front of me daily. I would close my eyes and be overwhelmed with the peace I felt in my inner world, and I can only describe that peace as being in my chest, where I would put my hand to a location I called HOME. I remember thinking that if a situation ever got harder, I could always retreat to this home I had inside.  I did this for months and it never got boring. I would describe the tree I sat under as a friend, and when I placed my hand on it, feel soothed and welcomed. I felt deep compassion for people in my life and around me, who I began observing with curiosity.

I spoke like Eckhart Tolle and it wasn’t a recited, forced way of speaking, it was natural. Every so often, I would hear myself and be surprised, but the judger I was used to hearing,  would not come out. I accepted the way I was as truth, this is how I would describe it.  How could I not? Every moment felt like a miracle.  I noticed colors of flowers, shapes of leaves, clouds running in the sky, the different shades of red, yellow and orange that would fill the sky upon susnet. I would make it a point to stop when the sun was going down to watch it. One afternoon as I walked home from grocery shopping, I was stopped in my tracks by the wind, a changing sky, and clouds running across as it turned grey. I stood there, with wide eyes and my mouth opened, completely in awe at what I was seeing and feeling. I remember being shocked that everyone wasn’t watching the sky like I was, and that they weren’t savoring the caress of the wind. I began taking pictures of clouds, I would watch them as much as I could. I would stop and savor flowers colors and shapes and not worry if I was “late” for  something.

Cursing, coffee and even walking quickly is something my brain would not let me do. As soon as I even thought of a curse, it would just automatically fall away without effort. I woke each morning and wanted only water. My body would correct itself if I began walking even a tiny  bit faster than the slow pace that I had acquired.  I had no desire for negative music, and my playlist is something I looked at with great compassion for the girl who needed to hear the songs on it.  I often said, I felt like I had been born again.I could not lie or fib in this state and often spoke exactly how I felt, and with that came a very positive response. I watched as life began to reward me, the positive flowed towards me, and when it didn’t. I would laugh and say, “ok that was  just a lesson to learn, let’s get on with it.  I approached my mother with compassion and humor. I approached my dad with laughter and kindness. They responded well, in fact it was the best our relationship had ever been. Everything began to seem possible and life came with so much hope and possibility.

My life improved in so many ways, as I allowed it. I began to understand the idea of real presence and how our attention and awareness  influences our experiences and what we attract. I was meeting life where it was and the gifts I received were extraordinary.
This heightened state of awareness began to decrease slowly daily leading to a plateau that  I do not know exactly what caused it except that I had come from a place of deep suffering and now it wasn’t there anymore. Along with  practices of neural retraining each day which contributed to more awareness and presence. I speak of this time a lot and fondly ans even though I am no longer there, know that it may be accessible again.

Stefanie