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For the past two days I have watched myself falling back into old patterns of illness. Old thoughts, old coping mechanisms,  old neural pathways trying to come back. And for two days they did. I sat in my bed, unable to move much , except to go eat, and flew away in thought. I was in a perpetual state of PTSD.  It has been a symptom when hit with “mold exposure”. I have thoughts of childhood chaos, trauma, and abuse.  Thoughts consumed me. I lived way back in the past , the present and future ceased. I reverted back to coping mechanisms that do not work. Calling family, crying. I was hung up on. This strengthened these old thoughts further and I sank deeper into illness.

The day before , I had written this as a status, I had begun opening myself up more to something I already knew. Mold, lyme, chemicals, foods are not the issue. They are not the problem. They are only what the limbic system after already for a long time getting ready to fight the “danger” lurking around me, decided that it was the fault of mold.

A day before I had to come to this realization I wrote this facebook status:

I’m pretty sure trauma is keeping me stuck . In A Course In Miracles,  condensed version by Alan Cohen he says “sickness is my brothers guilt.” I resonated with this . It may seem harsh to some , blaming a “victim “ of illness . I don’t see it that way . I created all of this . I create this illusory world through my perception , sickness and all . There are people I have both tried to save and felt powerless over their suffering even though mine was created long ago by them . Even though I cant penetrate their hurt without getting smashed by them. My body seems to want them to know that and to seek revenge . “You did this” it’s screaming .Doesn’t work . This is a way to look at illness that is uncomfortable , but I don’t deny it . It falls completely in line with my beliefs . I’m the creator of the false world seen through my eyes , my past experiences blur the truth , the inner truth that I am already perfect . I’m love in a body . Yet , I can’t seem to let go of “sickness is my brothers guilt .” And so it lingers in my body , this strange illness . These strange illnesses that turn lives upside down . I recently had ductal carcinoma in situ and lobular . Two surgeries and didn’t scare me at all . At all . It can not compare (at least at stage 0 ) to illnesses not believed. Today , cirs scares me . I’m still committed to#dynamicneuralretrainingsystem and I know my blocks . I just need to get through them . Slightly relapsed after quite amazing progress . I’ll find my way again . I have to . In the meantime here’s me in Croatia . What an amazing world we live in , if we allow ourselves to return to our natural state . Dear Maria – you are allowed .

Croatia

I grew up with little displays of emotion.

I grew up being taught that everything was unsafe.

I grew up yearning for love and affection that I could not seem to get.

I grew up emotionally, physically, verbally abused.

I grew up as a scapegoat.

I grew up not being heard.

I grew up not feeling worthy .

I took on much of this families guilt as the scapegoat. It was given to me. I learned lots of defensive traits others created to survive their own upbringing and tried some out myself. They were fleas. I am very aware of them.

I grew up being told to hide weakness or sickness.

I was placed into a state of fight, flight , freeze long before mold became an issue. Long before lyme became an issue.

I remember my body being able to clear lyme disease. Yet, I was still having “symptoms”. I had them even as a kid .

I spoke to my coach yesterday. These diseases are all limbic aren’t they. Even the initial illness? I have limbic system injury due to emotional and physical trauma. Of course, she responded with “what do you think?” In a very gentle way. Do I think these illnesses aren’t real? I think they of course affect the body, the symptoms are very real. However, it is the state of being that keeps the sickness symptoms continuing. And truthfully it doesn’t matter, over analyzing is a neural pathway of the past . A pop.

It all makes perfect sense. Everything from childhood up until now loads the gun and then “mold” pulls the trigger, or lyme, or fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome etc. It all made very harsh sense.

I had to face that all the emotional symptoms, flashbacks, crying, raging , were a limbic system impairment and tons of diagnosis just flew out the window.  Upon leaving the “tiger” I immediately began to make progress. Unfortunately, there were more tigers to conquer. Watching me shift from a complete mess physically and emotionally, it was apparent that part of my brain, the pre-frontal cortex had gone off line. It was apparent that this parent brain of logic, had surrendered to the very irrational limbic system, sending physical symptoms after detecting the most minute amounts of mold toxins, as well as thoughts , intended to keep me safe, but instead destroying me.

“Is everyone in the chronic world suffering only from limbic system impairment?”

The body is affected , however the initial cause is this limbic system .

Something I knew as soon as I began retraining and saw the shifts. I have watched people move cross country, or constantly drive around in search of a home, lay in bed unable to move, take years worth of antibiotics, herbs, to boost their immune system. I have watched most remain the same.  Some get into remission and I wonder how much of that is the limbic system hearing and feeling safety, ceasing the sending of symptoms.  Treating the body and strengthening it can also calm the limbic system , they go hand in hand .

I had to get back up after those two days and start again retraining , as soon as I did, shifts began to occur again. I am pretty sure, that soon, this will all be out in the forefront and no one will have to suffer so much with chronic conditions.  So, yes I have been sick a long time, my limbic system has been made to feel it has to protect me from long ago, but it has very little to do with the external, except that is what my body has chosen to react to, that is what my brain has decided is the danger. My illness is very much in my head, trouble is it is a physiological effect , which psychiatry unless versed in chronic conditions would only cause more harm.

Healing is in my hands.  Sickness has many secondary gains, but I am no longer interested. I spent the last 2 days in bed, unable to breathe. I much prefer the taste of air.

I currently take no medications and no supplements and am doing much better than when I was.  My only treatment is the Dynamic neural retraining system and meditations. Helping the body heal with such things can be effective, but I am choosing to heal my brain, after which the body has no choice but to follow. I had after all these years of searching to doctors for answers have to become my own doctor.

Stefanie