I found myself lately embodying the stories of the person who got sick. Thoughts I have had since childhood ran across my mind occasionally, letting me know these ideas are still there. They never fully went away, they were just
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dimmer, and my brain would default to challenge them, seeing things from a more positive perspective. However, as I exposed myself more to stimuli from the past, (not necessarily negative), I noticed them becoming more active. In the past few years, I began exploring new avenues for myself, and naturally old relationships, hobbies, even just foods I ate, no longer felt aligned. However, as I opened myself up more and more to relationships from the past, I found myself gravitating towards the life that was Maria before. The truth is, there was a lot of good in my old life, I was just incapable of seeing it. Now, I got to view it from a more neutral state as well as one of gratitude. Also, I had not changed everything from the past, mostly relationships that had fallen away, and details that others might not realize made me. As I let more and more back in, it was like an actor who received an old familiar script and naturally fell into the scene. I was longing for the” familiar”, after a few years of completely new. It felt good to do, and I followed this longing for the “past.” Interestingly, I saw patterns remerge , even down to the way I walked. It was faster, to get somewhere, and I was stuck inside my mind analyzing situations, or having a dialogue with myself about them as I walked to get wherever it is I was going. And, suddenly, I began seeing more people I no longer had contact with. This no contact was not necessarily deliberate, but when you choose a new way of walking, those you encounter will be different. I also let go of many practices as I became more embodied as the old Maria, and coexisted with these faint thoughts, which consisted of judgements about others and myself. Sometimes, the judgements were based on accurate information, so naturally it felt right. The other morning I found myself walking to the gym in a very dissociated way. My legs moved quickly and I needed to get to my class on time, it was rote and routine and I just followed this body that wanted to get to its destination. Something made me stop and do a practice and I reached out for a buddy to practice with. And just like that, as I began I could feel my legs slowing down, my vision getting clearer, emotion entering my body and getting lost in the present moment. The shift in my nervous system caused a bit of dizziness and my legs wobbled, until I became anchored. I listened to my buddies practice (in the dnrs community we have small groups to practice with), and strolled to the gym, not worrying about being late to my class. The world in front of me opened up and the stories in my mind closed down.
I felt goosebumps. All that was left when this practice was over was I and the present moment, and it was spectacular. I wholeheartedly believe any kind of centering practice is needed by everyone, and this moment reignited that idea for me.