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In the past few months I have found myself thinking of returning to Peru to participate in more Ayahuasca ceremonies. I first experienced Ayahuasca in 2018 and write about my experience here. It was very difficult, however helped me in many ways. Knowing the power of psychedelics, I find myself thinking of how “I could be doing more”, wondering what else I could “uncover”, how much farther I could go in evolving and what else I could experience. There are relationships that have never been mended eve with retraining and I am opening myself up to the possibility of doing so. The years spent healing after Ayahuasca were so profound I often long for the rawness I felt.

I have been feeling that after much time retraining my nervous system and discovering all sorts of new sensations, emotions and experiences, I was back on the hedonic treadmill, although my baseline was higher. So, I decided to try microdosing psychedelics. I understood microdosing to be very subtle and to be able to function normally while doing so, so I continued my day. However, I began to notice my vision changing, I was not able to finish the dishes, but was confused as to why. I went to lay down. As I lay there, I did not feel the cold air coming from the air conditioner. The air in the bedroom is usually quite cold and I can feel it. I could see the air blowing, knew it was on , but did not feel the cold. I also did not feel warm. I had lost the feeling of my physical body. I found myself grabbing my phone to scroll, and everything I was trying to read was hysterical to me. I laughed and laughed at instagram posts. I then began to think of my parents. I had not spoken to them in about a week, after a very minor disagreement, and had meant to contact them, but kept putting it off.

But, here, now laying in bad as I thought of them, my heart felt like it was bursting open and love came gushing out. It was powerful. I saw in my mind’s eye a silverish color associated with this bursting of my heart. I went through some flashbacks of times with my father and this idea of he and my mother being “stuck” came to me. I felt strong compassion for who they were and who they had created to survive their lives. I wanted to run to embrace them and let them know it was all ok, and that they were safe now. I started to realize that what I was experiencing was because of the “microdose” and I would learn later that I had taken a bit more than what a microdose would be. And as I got deeper into this “trip”, I felt my heart beating quickly. I was not prepared and allowing fear to take over.

Remembering my ayahuasca journeys I knew I needed some support and called a very good friend I trusted to help calm me. I remember telling him, I don’t feel scared, but I know I am, I don’t feel anything but love and compassion. I had lost a lot of physical sensation, felt depersonalized and entered into derealization. There was something pleasurable about the state of depersonalization, as the observer, the way forward for me made more sense. I repeated to him how strongly I felt about forgiveness. I have to forgive, I have to let go because it is so silly to hold onto all these fake emotions. I have to forgive as many times as needed. Since retraining, I have increased my happiness baseline. However, when I first started to retrain in a deep fight or flight, new emotions that would emerge as a result of calming the fight or flight state were incredibly powerful. I had spent a long time in and out of fight or flight and a few years before retraining it was at its worst, so the contrast was very noticeable to me. I also had started to see the world off of benzodiazepines completely and my senses were heightened.

Emerging from sickness brought with it a sort of relearning of the world, coupled with withdrawal the smallest thing seemed miraculous to me. The happiness and calm I felt in the moments when I came out of the “triggered state” were much more noticeable than recently. This is normal since after post traumatic stress one is said to have a period of post traumatic growth which I did have and the my happiness level greatly increased I went back to a level closer to my original baseline, but higher. I give an example of these feelings here.

 

I had begun to miss the strong sense of meaning I felt while healing and wanted to explore what else I could do. The way I can describe it is while retraining, my nervous system was learning a new language of hope, possibilities and deep connections with the world around me, as my body healed. You can read more about this state here. As I got better I began more and more to embody who I was before having changed much of the emotions, patterns and thoughts that brought me to illness.

I wanted more and decided once again to explore psychedelics. Towards the end of my “trip” and as I lay awake with insomnia, I found myself reaching for a book I had started when first crashing in 2018, A Course In Miracles, and as I read I felt the “meaning”, deep connection and of course compassion and forgiveness, on the level I was looking for. I do feel this without psychedelics, but to a different degree. Here I was completely embodying them. I observed as I returned into my body fully. I felt the cold room, sensations in my body, and awe at what I had again encountered. I remember thinking about how I sensed my ego coming back, and had this knowing of how much guarding we as humans have. I can only know this in experiencing myself without it.

The next day, I visited my parents. We spoke like usual, and I did not bring up our disagreement. I invited them out to breakfast, my mother usually declines and my father is always willing. He is a lovely man, quiet and very passive, it is his passivity I have often had issue with, he will go to great lengths to avoid any kind of conflict. After a week of not speaking, things went ahead as usual, he got apple pie and I got an omelet and we talked of what he wanted and felt ready for. Present was the love, forgiveness and compassion I had felt for him the day before, to a lesser degree, maybe a more functional degree.

I was also filled with gratitude for having been able to experience on a greater level, to remind me how strong ego can get.

In this blog I speak about psychedelic use. I am not advocating for this. I am not a doctor, nor do I advise using psychedelics for recreational purposes or other. If you would like to learn more about research concerning psychedelics you can read more here. Any opinions expressed in this blog are only my opinion and experience and do not advise or encourage readers to follow. Please consult your doctor or therapist . There have been instances where people develop HPPD which you can read about here, after psychedelic use. 

Stefanie