I am practicing a program called DNRS – Dynamic Neural Retraining System in order to retrain my brain into health. Huh? How could one get healthy by retraining the brain. I will save this for another post. It is worth many hours of writing.
In practicing and meditating, I have come to some stark realizations. Many of which I have always known anyway. Many of which were just whispered to me through the years, until they roared. And loudly. Very loudly. The body has a way of telling you what you have been trying to ignore. The body has a way of letting you know what healing needs to be done , still. Yes , still. After a lifetime of therapy, the work needs to continue because maybe , just maybe, it never ends. It is a cycle of hurt, anger, resent, forgive.
So, I listened. And I keep listening as it first hints, then whispers. Eventually, scream.
What did I realize?
I am afraid of a home. I am afraid of grounding. I do not know how. I have been in fight or flight for so long, I lost my ability to sit, stay and heal. (:) taken from a friend). I lost my ability to create roots, strong roots that will anchor me and stop me from falling. It is scary. It is not safe. I suppose those afflicted with illnesses like Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome would say this is normal. After all, the house almost killed me. I am learning that this is partly true. Dis-ease begins long before an illness shows up.
Dis-ease. Not at ease. Not safe. I have not felt safe in my own body for a long time. It has betrayed me, hurt me, almost killed me, overprotected me. I have not felt safe. Neither has my body. In accumulating all the toxicity and trauma from the past, it has not felt safe . I have betrayed it, hurt it, almost killed it, didn’t protect it. My body (which I include the brain as a part of), did what it had to , in order to survive. Began a cycle of overprotection. The body became the mind. It became the master. The conscious mind no longer had any say. My body began running on its own navigated by feelings, thoughts and experiences found in the subconscious mind. I gave up the wheel and allowed it to drive.
Example : I do not feel fear to mold which was my primary documented chronic illness. However, I walk into a place and have instant violent reactions. Danger !! My body is screaming danger. I listen and leave. Or I don’t listen and leave. As a result the same occurs, I get ill. This body of mine felt so betrayed from all the years that it was hurt by toxicities that it now has become my master. You didn’t know what to do , so I am taking over. I will save us from dangerous situations. Your job is to listen and do as I say. The consequences of not listening will be illness. I love you and want to protect you. I want us to stay alive.
I can imagine my body/mind saying this.
And it is beautiful.
It is loving. It is incredibly awe inspiring to witness.
However , it is no longer needed. I am safe. I am able to take the wheel again. I am able to guide us. I am able to protect us.
I am safe in my body and in all environments . I am happy. I am healthy. I am strong. I am loved. I am at ease. I am healing. I am grounded. I am supported and loved by every environment. I am whole and perfect.
I am at ease
I am at ease
I am at ease