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I have been an emergency since the day I was born.

My grandmother used to enjoy telling the story of the day my mother wanted to throw me out the window. I was a newborn infant who apparently wouldn’t stop crying.

She couldn’t handle you. You cried so much . You put her through such hell. I came to help her in America. She had you in her arms, trying to cradle you back to sleep , one night. You wouldn’t stop crying. I had to rip you out of her arms , she kept threatening to throw you out the window right behind her.

Do I believe her? I believe it is the way she sees the events. I believe bits and pieces. My mother was not equipped to deal with a newborn or a child. My grandmother in her treatment of my mom made sure of that.

Why am I writing this?

When I became very ill from CIRS, Lyme and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, I had to face many memories that had been gnawing at me my whole life, head on. They became part of the symptoms. As I was “exposed” and my limbic system sensed the danger , it also exposed me to memories associated with illness, at least this is my understanding of it.

I would get exposed,  (and I know this only by the symptoms , my eyes would swell, my belly would swell, my muscles would become fatigued, my brain would start burning, my body would start burning inside, adrenaline would rush through my body (stress response) and thoughts would play over and over, memories would play over and over. I would watch a slideshow of my life. It was a wave of emotion, physical torture and visions of my life all engulfing me.) The only way I could handle it was to ride it out. Until I started retraining I would have to leave the exposure. There was a long time I had no knowledge of the “exposures” these episodes were consistent.  I have had several psychiatric and physical diagnosis. I now know them all as limbic system impairment. They are melting away with retraining of the brain. You can read about that here

I had to face what is very difficult for me to write and what has always been hard to accept. I grew up in a narcissistic household, a lineage of it.  And I was told I was the problem from day 1. Thus, I became a constant emergency in need of attention, both in sickness and dangerous situations I continued to replay in adulthood.

I believe my limbic system sensed the danger , and put me in fight , flight, freeze, way before external factors became an issue.  These are some memories that stick out to me. These are memories I am shown upon exposure. And right now the only way to handle them is to ride these waves.  They are getting smaller.

(I do not consider myself any better or worse than others. I cope differently . That is all. The labels used, provide a context. )

  1. Watching my mom cry on a park bench. I was very little and she sat and cried, I could only watch frozen in guilt.
  2. Being called the “ruin of the family”
  3. Being beat up for very little reason and eventually just saying “I am sorry “
  4. Standing on a chair to call my dad home from work, as my mom was raging, crying to him on the phone.
  5. Watching my mom and dad fight daily. She picked fights each day if he didn’t do all she said.  he would eventually leave or just listen to her rant without saying anything.
  6. Getting beat up so badly at one time that I fainted after. It was due to not wearing a pair of pants she had wanted me to wear.
  7. Begging my dad for money so I could buy her gifts. She would usually return them, often get mad about what I had bought.
  8. Getting hit by a car at age 9, my brother and I got hit at the same time. He was it by the car and I was right next to him, he fell into me and I hit my face on a parked car. My brother begged me not to tell my mom. We were a block away from home and somehow I was able to run home after this in shock while my brother walked. I was hurt (Head and eyes) my brother went upstairs and said he was fine, refusing to go to the hospital.
  9. Peeing in my pants each day , and getting verbally or physically abused due to it.

Unfortunately,I cannot write anymore memories. I feel my body reacting.  These events were common. I received either negative attention or none. Except , at times when I was sick. Suddenly, I was seen in a more pleasing way. My nervous system would relax. There was less danger.

Doctors have yet to understand why some people experience these sensitivities to mold, chemicals, food, even tick bites . Why some remain chronic and others are able to quickly heal from toxins. It is controversial. It is not believed. It is seen as crazy. Therefore, it is very hard once diagnosed coming from such a family, as trauma will continue. Most are not  believed and again seen as crazy and the “emergency” always looking for attention.  And yes, in my case these are programs scripted long ago. This part of my brain was injured, due to physical and emotional trauma and constantly re-injured .  Other stressors such as infection, exposure, benzodiazepine withdrawal, smoking, all contributed but I had been set up with this impairment long ago.

In a bid to keep me safe, it made me highly sensitive to external triggers which led to a body collapse.

I am healing. I am close to acceptance of my mother  and these traumas are losing their grips. I know she had no way of coping with her own traumas and became the woman I know. I also know the real her inside is able to  see me, love me, accept me, be proud of me, feel remorse, and want peace for me. I love her deeply. The her that does come out in a smile, compassionate look, or answering “I love you too.” She without therapy seems to have  worked to modify her behavior on her own.

The reality is not enough research is done on these mysterious illnesses.  For some, one exposure can cause a trauma loop of illness resulting in hypersensitivity to the external. I can only speak from my point of view of a patient and my illnesses. My mental and physical illnesses , I believe were chronic illnesses found in a faulty mechanism in the brain, the limbic system. In all its irrationality , and primitive defenses it was trying it’s best to keep me safe, out of love.

 

 

 

Stefanie