This morning as I was writing , I looked down at my pen and remembered something.  It has been really important for me to remember aspects of my past because of the lessons I had learned it it. But, I am human and humans  often forget. I remembered when I returned to Staples after a deep fight or flight state of the previous years, two of which were extraordinarily difficult while in withdrawal from benzodiazepines. I was purchasing a pen and notebook. It was my first pen and notebook in two years. I stood at the counter debating which one to get because there were so many to choose from. Finally, I chose a fun smooth tip pen and doodled while waiting to pay. I felt an enormous amount of wonder. This pen was amazing. Imagine, someone had  created a pen that wrote so smoothly , and here I was benefiting from that.  I like a kid  who was beginning to learn penmanship and got to buy  notebooks and pens for school. I remained there  in Staples writing with my new pen in my new notebook.  It was as innocent as it sounds.
It might seem silly, but it was profound to me.
I had spent a two years with no possessions. Due to nervous system reactions to the external triggers ,I had mistakenly listened to my very misinformed amygdala who reacted to these harmless things and threw out everything. You can read about that here and in other posts. I was also incapable of writing , reading, focusing, so I had no “need” for  what I felt like was “weighed down” by these possessions. I was busy “fleeing.”   And , I was broke, and pens and notebooks were not a necessity for someone who felt like she was fighting for her life. Environmental sensitivities, benzodiazepine withdrawal and emotional issues culminated into a woman running for her “life” to find safety.
So, here I was standing in Staples aware of the beauty of a pen. Looking back, I was healing and entering into a deep parasympathetic state like that of a child learning the world (again) filled with hope in this moment.
I wrote this comparison in an instagram post comparing my writing from years before. I now was shifting into parasympathetic states more and began to notice these windows into presence.
So, today I remembered this wonder of a shifting into a parasympathetic state, newness, and health.
I remember things I had forgotten, like the wonder of a pen.
I hope you also get to remember.