I met someone a few weeks ago who shared how she was recovering from Lyme  Disease and CIRS.  She gave me the name of a meditation center that she goes to at least 30 hours a week. Realizing there was more to chronic conditions than what doctors could help her with she found meditation (sometimes at 6 hour intervals a day) to help her healing.

It is very intense and has helped me heal.

I think people are messengers that come in to share something that is needed or not needed. It is up to me to pay attention to what might be relevant and not a distraction. At the same time I have begun reading “The Body Keeps the Score”, by Bessel van der Kolk.  I read about post war vets who only felt comfortable in speaking of the tragedies they had witnessed and survived in war. I read about how they were in a constant state of hyper vigilance long after the war was over. Their bodies secreting stress hormones constantly after the amygdala was aroused by some sound, smell, taste etc. They were in a trauma loop as I was . The had a limbic injury based on an emotional trauma to the system.  And now, they lived constantly in that same role of suffering. Their bodies were now suffering as well.  Whether a trauma loop is caused by an emotional trigger, physical or both, is irrelevant. The results are the same. The needed work is the same – to calm down this trauma loop and reenter reality as it is today. To help the brain, body , mind and spirit heal.

So, I signed up with this meditation center.  I am tired of living being controlled by this overprotective mechanism (the imbic system). I have been using DNRS as I spoke of here and here, but I wanted more.

My guide told me about how the meditation works and it is based on Buddhist principles I am very familiar with, to achieve a state of nothingness, emptiness . However, here the way to do this is to go through a life cycle. First, one should let visuals come forth from the human mind taken by the camera of our senses . These scenes , illusory now as they don’t exist in reality should be sent to the disappearing sun as I (a shell of me, after I died watches from the universe mind).

It was ironic , my system had just been hit with lack of sunshine causing symptoms to flare.

I had to begin with scenes that I took pictures of while walking there. Next would be ages 0-5, until I reached an entire lifetime. This takes quite a bit of time and I have yet to complete one lifetime in 4 hours of meditation. Obviously, I am not going to have all the scenes in my entire life come up. Of course, one must not reach to try to get this in the mind, just let things flow.

My first session I completed up until present day. We moved on from different ages when I was ready. Some ages were stickier than others. I clinged to many memories. Emotions came up. One memory I could not seem to let go into the disappearing sun to be burnt away forever.

It was snowing outside. I had just gotten up , wearing my onesie pajama.  It was silent except for the snowflakes hitting my window. I looked out my bedroom window and saw this magic laying there. There was tons of snow. I heard shovels. I knew it was Daddy and Mike already beginning to shovel.  When my mother had put tile in the house she had not realized that she created a skating rink for me and my onesies. I skated to the window. I knew Daddy would not ask me to shovel He did not think I was strong enough. I crouched down until only my eyes and top of my head were visible to the outside. Daddy put his shovel down. Looked up. And motioned for me – come here. Come here. His eyes were smiling. 

There was more to this day but that is the illusory picture that I the camera had taken and could not let go of into the sun. I started to cry.  I wasn’t happily crying. That time was gone and I wanted to hold onto it in this physical world.

 Don’t hold any memory, it no longer exists. Don’t get attached to it, it is just a picture. 

This is not easy. This state of no- thing involves disengaging from emotion while watching my life.  Adding emotions to it creates clinging , creating suffering.

I let it go. It came back . I let it go . Rinse and repeat .

Level one of this mediation is going through 50 life cycles. I would have to meditate through my entire life 50 times, letting go of whatever pictures there are. It may take more, as there are these sticky pictures, there are copies of pictures, there are hidden pictures.

How does this help illness?

  1. It can get to the roots of  the conditions that created sickness long before the body became the mind.
  2. It relaxes the central nervous system enough to promote healing.
  3. It promotes connection with others who are also trying to heal
  • All of this helps to release the good hormones as opposed to the stress hormones as these energy blocks move through the body.

Of course meditation can also be done at home . I like having somewhere to go, to be held accountable, to create discipline.

The picture I took with my camera (me) of my dad shoveling is here right now and for awhile I will cling to it again. One day, I will be able to observe it and not cling. I will be able to observe it without suffering and let it go.

Today, I begin again. My last session I ended at age 9. It is not always linear when trying to do this meditation and this is accepted. It is also nothing really new, deeply entrenched in Buddhist principles I admire and feel are truth. I have always been resistant while suffering . But, these days I know that this is when I need both mediation and DNRS the most. My brain is more apt to change. And I am ready for change.  I no longer want to talk constantly about illness. I want to put it down and live a life I dreamt of for a long time. Light, free, healed.

I am ready to let go into the disappearing sun.