I have been meditating and using Dynamic Neural Retraining System to help heal my body from symptoms of CIRS, Lyme and Co, and lots of other “its” (symptoms, – to deprogram the brain it is important not to keep reinforcing these symptoms.) To create new neural pathways of healing and allow the body to do what it can naturally , one must change the way they speak.  DNRS comes with a script of awareness that one recites , it is a script of awareness that this is a limbic system impairment and it is time to change this impairment, to help the central nervous system calm down.

I told my coach that recently I was in a state of freeze. My emotions are dulled. I feel very little. I do not cry. I do not feel deeply as I once did. I have moments of big emotion, usually inspired by a song, a sound, a visualization, a piece of writing, a photograph. But, my baseline is dull. I cannot access the emotions I know are lurking inside .

Why? As she explained when in a chronic state for so long, when in a state of fight or flight in these “it’s”, protection kicks in. No one has time for emotions when a tiger is chasing it. No one has time to eat or digest food when threats are lurking. The objective is to survive. My brain still feels threatened. It alternates from a state of fight, to flight to freeze. Currently, it is in this freeze – Dorsal Vagul Shutdown.

“When stress either physical or emotional is too great, the sympathetic nervous system automatically goes into fight or flight. Either fighting or flying can relieve the stress. If it does not, this sympathetic arousal becomes too much for the body to handle. The parasympathetic spikes. It comes in so strongly sending the person into a freeze. This can be full collapse, disassociation, or a partial freeze- inability to think clearly, access words or emotions. ”

It is still in protective mode, long after any it needed to be.The tiger has become these protective mechanisms. The external is safe.  Bugs and mold are not an enemy (I was diagnosed with lyme and co and CIRS). There is no enemy, only a very flawed limbic system doing the best it can with what it knows.

In a sense it is quite beautiful. To think that my brain is trying so hard to protect me, to keep me safe, is inspiring. Even when the results are not ideal to say the least.  My attitude has completely shifted. I am moving away from the victim of Maria having CIRS and Lyme and CO. I am moving to a new path, where I choose what I want to be. These old “it’s” have no part in my life anymore.

So, I was given an idea on how to try to step out of this freeze state.  Fantasy. Interestingly, I have never been good at speaking or writing fantasy. I knew only how to write from my lens, and this lens is limited.

During a DNRS round, after the set script, one steps into a past memory. It should be a past memory that brought joy, calm (good emotions). Next, is a future visualization. The future visualization should try to command the same emotions up into the body. Good emotions , thoughts, words flood the body with good hormones. “Bad” emotions, thoughts, words lead to a physiological reaction to the “tiger”, this perceived threat . This leads to  more automatic, instinctive, reactive emotions rushing in to protect you from the threat. The harder it becomes to calm down this protective mechanism, and the body can no longer do what is natural, fight any threats on its own.

In my future visualizations she suggested to try fantasy. To step out of being Maria and step into becoming something else. Fantasy challenges the brain. Challenge helps to build new brain cells and strengthen connections between them . Higher level of mental activity throughout life are consistently associated with better brain function and reduced risk of cognitive decline. So, yes, fantasy is healthy. Day dreaming is healthy.  So, I began fantasizing in future visualizations. I stepped out of me and became something else. My first fantasy was becoming a train.

Why a train? Trains have become a “tiger.” Why not? Why not become one of my tigers?

I am a train. I work for the new york city underground subway station. I am the D train. My job is to bring people where they need to go. I am hard on the outside. My belly is full of light. My belly is full of beauty. It is not the same beauty as a Monet painting. It is the beauty of solace and rest.  Poetry is hung on my walls. Some humans made me look even more beautiful by spray painting their names, and the names of the people they love inside me and outside. I love what they did for me. I love my job. People sigh a sigh or relief when I make my entrance into the station. “Oh thank god you’re here. “They are tired. I offer them a place to rest. I am safe. I am safe. My friend across the street is the R train. Humans like me more. I am fast. He likes to work slowly. He likes to take his time. Their eyes widen when they see me coming and my heart becomes full. I love them. I want to make their day easier. They sleep in my belly, read, talk, laugh, dance , sing. They are at ease, My job is to make them feel at ease to help their day go smoothly. I am not lonely. I have their appreciation. I have their love for me. Sometimes, they get angry at me. Sometimes, I am late. I always show up. I do the best I can. Anger melts away when they step inside into my warmth and rest. And, I am happy. I am at ease. This helps them be at ease. And they rest. I love these humans. I love my job. I love being underground. I am safe. I am home.

Taking the perspective of one of my “tigers” gave me goosebumps. Hormones from empathy and inspiration flooded my body. My entire perspective changed and I felt. I breathed in after that round and felt the shift. A subtle shift. My body responded. It melted. I didn’t even know I was so rigid until I became soft. I guess I am better at fantasy then I thought.

I am healing.